funny quotes to live by1.) “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” – Elayne Boosler

2.) “Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.” – Robert Benchley

3.) “Never put a sock in a toaster.” – Eddie Izzard

4.) “When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.” – Bob Monkhouse

5.) “I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White

6.) “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams

7.) “Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.” –  Wilson Mizner

8.) “Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.” – P. G. Wodehouse

9.) “Never fight an inanimate object.” – P. J. O’Rourke

10.) “I can resist everything except temptation” – Oscar Wilde

11.) “Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.” –  Ronald Reagan

12.) “Cure for an obsession: get another one.” – Mason Cooley

13.) “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”  – Buddy Hackett

14.) “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

15.) “By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. – Richard Dawkins

16.) “I never let my schooling interfere with my education.”  – Anonymous

17.) “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”-  Brooke Shields

18.) “One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.” – Franklin P. Jones

19.) “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”  – Douglas Adams

20.) “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”  – Oscar Wilde

21.) “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson

22.) “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams

23.) “The superfluous, a very necessary thing.” – Voltaire

24.) “You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.” – Anonymous

25.) “Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” –  Abraham Lincoln

26.) “When nothing goes right, go to bed.” – Anonymous
Sandra M Bell
Author of “Lunchtime Joy Magnet” & personal coach