childlike surrender-w-quote

Photo: sky by Maja

In recent years, I had an exclusive relationship with a man for about three and a half years. He was handsome, fun, energetic. We liked to do a lot of the same things – concerts, the symphony, trips, sophomoric movies. He had a great c-level job, but in private, he was kind of goofy like me. So we laughed a lot. I loved his kids and he was a devoted father.  And, he professed to love me.

All the makings of a happily-ever-after right? Well, there was a side that gnawed at me a little at first and over time grew into something much worse. He had a bit of a roving eye for starters. We’d be at a Mavs game for instance, and I’d see an attractive lady smiling up our way. I’d look to see what she was smiling at to find – oh, its my boyfriend smiling back at her. No, biggie, right? Then there were little things like him always turning his phone away from me to enter his passcode when checking his texts or clicking out of emails when I’d approach after going to the ladies room. There were a few confrontations in which he admitted to asking out other women to go have a drink after the networking thing or to a movie. And, I worked internally to let it go. I know a lot of people are evolved to the point that they can have open relationships. But, frankly, I am not one of them. To me, if ‘exclusive’ is the arrangement, then stepping outside that is breaking your word. For me, it also breaks the trust. I know that a healthy relationship for me is one in which I feel safe, nurtured and cherished.

So, time went on and I kept trying to push down these feelings of mistrust. I’d say to myself “Sandy, that is just old experiences, old demons coming back to haunt you. Let them go. Forgive the past. Expect the best.” But, at about the year-and-a-half mark, one of my lifetime friends started to exhibit a curiosity about our relationship that seemed outside of normal. You know, obsessively curious. As they would both text and talk to me their language would mirror each others. She’d talk about planning a trip to Rosemary Beach. Thirty minutes later he’s sending me properties he’d like to check out at Rosemary Beach. He’d talk about the Texas coast, Port Aransas, she’d talk about wanting to go to Port Aransas. He’d sign off with okeedoke, a minute later she’d sign off that way (and never had before). She spent a long weekend in Port Aransas during one of our little breakups and came back with a burning passion to learn violin. A couple months later he and I are listening to a beautiful violinist in the car and I ask “This is beautiful, where’d you get it?” and, wouldn’t you know he thought he may have picked it up in Port Aransas a few years prior. I go to San Diego with the girls and when I get back there’s evidence that his car has been out in the country and he’s humming Green Acres, a song my friend had once confided in me that she and her old boyfriend would always sing out in his little spot in the country. There was the tribal bongo ring tone that would go off after midnight on a Saturday night. And, I had a pretty good idea that wasn’t a telemarketer.

So, it went on and on; you get the point. By the end of the three and a half years I felt a toxic stew simmering around my heart. I couldn’t shake it. I couldn’t ignore it. And, my ego wanted nothing more than to catch him, nail him to a cross and watch him bleed out (shocking, I know for someone who loves to talk about spiritual concepts). But, he kept everything locked up and locked down and I wasn’t going to do anything illegal.

Finally, I realized that I didn’t need any evidence. My feelings were all the evidence I needed to know that the relationship was not working for me and if I stayed in it I was not being true to my authentic self. It is possible that all that I had seen and experienced were just really odd coincidences. But, my gut ultimately told me the relationship could never be the safe and nurturing partnership that I desired. For whatever reason the universe held, that relationship was not ever going to be the right one for me. So I stepped away from it.

Our gut is the only evidence we ever need to know if something is right or not right for us. Every day, I’m learning to trust it more and more – to surrender and let go of the reigns. Our internal emotional guidance system is the voice of the divine.

Here’s to letting go today of what you think you should be or do, what your boss thinks, what your friends think, what your parents, siblings or spouse think. Today is for you and you alone. I hope today you’ll move closer to letting go, trusting your intuitions and accepting and loving yourself for who you are and what you know you need. You are a brilliant and unique soul unlike any other. Your internal guidance system will lead you on the path to peace, love and happiness.  Let’s trust our emotional awareness to discern  the higher intelligence to which we are connected. That’s where our  authentic path lies. Let’s take time today and everyday to be still and listen, feel, be in the moment, be honest with ourselves and let go of what is not serving us. We are so worth it! Blessings!

***As always, I’d love to hear your opinions, experiences and feedback. Please comment below!!

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Sandra M Bell
Author of “Lunchtime Joy Magnet” & personal coach